Lest you think I’m rubbing it in…

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on September 29, 2011 by junker23

Daniel Coventry (xxx) xxx-xxxx – mobile
4/17/11 9:49 PM 5 months ago
Daniel Coventry: 14.5 to go! 4:42 PM
Me: Bullshit. 4:45 PM
Me: Holy fuck. “I like but I don’t like. I want this guy to get on base, hit those line drives, get those singles and those doubles. The home runs are gonna come. You gotta leave those to the big guys. Try to get that batting average up. Not necessarily hitting home runs, but getting multi-hit games.” 4:50 PM
Daniel Coventry: What who saidthat? 4:53 PM
Me: The least-deserving Hall of Fame-r in recent memory. About Jacoby. 4:55 PM
Daniel Coventry: Rice? 4:55 PM
Me: Also said he wanted him to be more like “that young man, well not so young anymore, guy out in Seattle who gonna hit 5, 6 homers a year and score 115 runs.” 4:56 PM

Daniel Coventry (xxx) xxx-xxxx – mobile
4/23/11 1:02 PM 5 months ago
Daniel Coventry: 13.5 1:45 AM

Daniel Coventry (xxx) xxx-xxxx – mobile
4/29/11 5:14 PM 4 months ago
Daniel Coventry: 12.5! 9:55 PM
Me: …? 9:56 PM
Daniel Coventry: I hope so but I know them enough to realize they probably will trade them 9:56 PM
Daniel Coventry: 12.5!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 9:56 PM
Me: I donut know what that means. 9:59 PM
Daniel Coventry: Think! 9:59 PM
Me: Does it have to do with the draft telecast? Not watching, driving. 10:01 PM
Daniel Coventry: Nope. Maybe check how your fantasy team did today. 10:06 PM
Me: Edwin? He pitched like shit, I know that. 10:07 PM
Me: Ooh, it’s totally team ERA. Innings? 10:15 PM
Me: Quick, phone gonna durer. 10:16 PM
Me: Durer equals die. Swype didn’t change my word. 10:16 PM
Daniel Coventry: Lester got the win today 10:19 PM
Me: Ah fuck I am sc-reeeeewed. 10:20 PM
Daniel Coventry: Hahahah I hope so! 10:21 PM

Daniel Coventry (xxx) xxx-xxxx – mobile
5/25/11 7:27 PM 4 months ago
Daniel Coventry: 15.5 – 7 = 8.5 5:38 PM
Me: If we bring it down to $200, I’ll go to Vegas. 5:41 PM
Me: And don’t you forget about that trade negotiation! 5:41 PM
Daniel Coventry: 350 and Vegas 5:56 PM
Daniel Coventry: I haven’t forgotten about the trade but I’m not in love at all really with Colby 5:56 PM
Me: My flight ain’t gonna be $50. I’m trying to come out even here. 5:56 PM
Daniel Coventry: 325 5:57 PM
Me: $250. 5:57 PM
Daniel Coventry: 350 5:57 PM
Me: Hahahh athat is one Jewy bargain you drive there. 5:58 PM
Daniel Coventry: Come on this shouldn’t be a surprise to you 5:59 PM
Me: $350 and a hooker of my choosing in Vegas. 6:00 PM
Daniel Coventry: Hookers are so expensive! 6:02 PM
Daniel Coventry: 350 and hooker of my choice! 6:03 PM
Me: Hahahha I knew you’d flip that around. $400 and an underage, white hooker! 6:03 PM
Daniel Coventry: White hooker of my choice 6:05 PM
Me: Oooooooh I almost bit on that. 6:07 PM
Me: We are bad at settling negotiations. 6:08 PM
Daniel Coventry: Cause we both want to worst for each other! 6:10 PM
Me: Correct. But then I thought I could always just sic the nasty hooker on Travis, which would totally be worth it. 6:13 PM
Daniel Coventry: What you do with the hooker isn’t my business…until I pay the hooker extra to tell me what you did to her 7:16 PM
Me: $400 bet, white, under 130 lb hooker. And it’s mostly going to involve pooping and crying. 7:18 PM

Daniel Coventry (xxx) xxx-xxxx – mobile
6/30/11 7:00 PM 2 months ago
Daniel Coventry: 5.5!!!!!!!!!!!! 4:25 PM

Daniel Coventry (xxx) xxx-xxxx – mobile
8/27/11 6:32 PM 4 weeks ago
Daniel Coventry: 1.5!!!!!!!!!!! 6:24 PM
Me: That one doesn’t fuckin’ count. 6:25 PM
Daniel Coventry: Jes it does!!!!!!!!! 6:29 PM
Me: Hey, maybe Lester can die in the hurricane. Whatta tragedy. 6:30 PM

SUCK IT, COVENTRY

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on September 29, 2011 by junker23

Daniel Coventry: WTF LESTER! 4:22 PM
Me: Still wanna get a bet in? I bet you he wins less than 16.5 games. And I’ll make it a big one, too. 4:24 PM
Daniel Coventry: 15.5 4:35 PM
Me: That was last year I thought 4:36 PM
Daniel Coventry: I want over 15.5 and I’ll put up to 400 on it 4:36 PM
Daniel Coventry: WELL… 4:49 PM
Me: Driving 4:50 PM
Daniel Coventry: So…? 4:52 PM
Daniel Coventry: Yes or no?! 4:52 PM
Daniel Coventry: Yes or no?! 4:52 PM
Daniel Coventry: Yes or no?! 4:52 PM
Daniel Coventry: Yes or no?! 4:52 PM
Daniel Coventry: Yes or no?! 4:53 PM
Daniel Coventry: Yes or no?! 4:53 PM
Daniel Coventry: Decision time! 4:53 PM
Me: K, so I was waiting until I got home to look something up. Turns out Vegas’s line this year is 15.5. I’LL TAKE IT, JEWBOY. 5:18 PM
Me: Ugh, this is going to be excruciating. And I drove the rest of the way home with airplane mode on BTW. 5:18 PM
Daniel Coventry: Yeah! 5:18 PM
Me: Bill James and Marcel the Monkey predict 14 and 15 games, ZiPS predicts 18. FanGraph fans predict 18. LET’S GO JAMES/MONKEY. 5:20 PM
Daniel Coventry: Hahahahaaha 5:20 PM
Daniel Coventry: Let’s go no injuries!!!! Knock on wood!! 5:20 PM
Me: Yeah seriously, that’d make my season so much less stressful. OOOOOOOOR the Sox are so good that they clinch the division in August and he just gets shut down.5:24 PM

Daniel Coventry: Can a nigga get some run support please?! 2:18 PM
Me: As long as he comes out of the game now, Lester has literally my ideal pitching line. 2:19 PM
Me: Oh, and I’m also pretty sure I’d be kicking the shit outta you in fantasy had we started this week. 2:22 PM
Daniel Coventry: If they score top 8 he qualifies for a win right? 2:22 PM
Daniel Coventry: Seriously I’ve had a real good pitching week? 2:22 PM
Me: No fuckin’ idea. I hope not. 2:22 PM
Daniel Coventry: I think so 2:22 PM
Me: Eh not really, my hitters have been way better than yours though. You have had better pitching. 2:23 PM
Me: Either way, this is what wins should be called: Times He Was The Pitcher Who Last Pitched Prior To The Half-Inning When The Winning Team Took The Lead For The Last Time, Except When The Starting Pitcher Pitches Less Than Five Innings, In Which Case The Win Shall Be Awarded To The Relief Pitcher Whom The Official Scorer Deems Most Effective 2:25 PM
Daniel Coventry: Don’t worry he won’t get the win now 2:26 PM
Me: Booyakasha. Now to just do this another 20+ games. 2:27 PM
Daniel Coventry: Yeah this is no fun 2:27 PM
Me: It’s going to be excruciating. 2:28 PM
Daniel Coventry: I know 2:28 PM
Me: See, now isn’t gambling bad? There’s a lesson to all of this. 2:29 PM
Daniel Coventry: Not if i win 2:57 PM
Me: But the stress, it’ll kill you. 3:05 PM
Me: And then only I win. 3:05 PM

Me: Sorry, I will make sure to watch more games. 4:24 PM
Daniel Coventry: I wish I could. I also wish the sox would give Lester some run support 4:25 PM
Me: That is something I am completely fine with. 4:26 PM

Daniel Coventry: Thats fucking jacobys 3rd jack this year already 2:19 PM
Me: And Lester’s pitching like shit, yet up 4-1. Not cool. 2:20 PM
Daniel Coventry: So happy! And the game is on tbs so I’m watching! 2:20 PM
Me: More like the game is on BS! 2:21 PM
Daniel Coventry: I would retire that joke 2:22 PM
Me: Because I find Lester and Ellsbury’s performances to be BS, you see. 2:24 PM
Me: I had a worse one yesterday. 2:24 PM
Daniel Coventry: I see. Still renig it from use. 2:24 PM
Me: I try to have at least one really shitty joke every now and again. Makes the good ones seem that much better. 2:25 PM
Daniel Coventry: Oh my god Lester almost just died! 2:29 PM
Daniel Coventry: Holy shit his face was almost just sliced open 2:29 PM
Me: Faaaaaaaack I’m totally OK with a devastating injury. 2:31 PM

Daniel Coventry: Lester got the win today 10:19 PM
Me: Ah fuck I am sc-reeeeewed. 10:20 PM
Daniel Coventry: Hahahah I hope so! 10:21 PM

Daniel Coventry: LESTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 12:46 AM
Me: You know, I may just murder Lester before the year is out. Would I still win? 10:56 AM
Daniel Coventry: If you kill him after he gets win 16 I win but if you kill him previous to it it’s a wash. Please tell me you dvred it cause I really want to see it. And 11:15 AM

Me: If only you were a Lester owner, you’d know what it was like to get a W every time out. 4:22 PM
Daniel Coventry: Thing is I have this bet, that so far has been going well for me, and I already benefit from every Lester win 4:25 PM
Me: I think I might kill him. Cancer couldn’t do it, but I know I can. I’ll trade him right before, obviously. 4:26 PM
Daniel Coventry: Hahaha Steve bartman and Junker23 will go down in history as some of the worst ruiners of baseball ever 4:27 PM
Me: But I will be a better gambler. 4:36 PM
Daniel Coventry: Debatable is $400 really worth life in jail? 4:40 PM
Me: I’ve got my pride 4:46 PM

Me: Fairly sure Lester is getting to 15 tonight. UNLESS I KILL HIM. 9:03 PM
Daniel Coventry: I still got my fingers crossed! 9:04 PM
Me: That I kill him? That seems awfully morbid and fiscally unsound. 9:04 PM
Daniel Coventry: Crosses that he gets the win nigga you better not touch him or hurt him 9:05 PM
Me: Or what, you’ll show these to the police? Can’t prove this is me! Aside from being part of my google account. But that could be anyone. 9:07 PM

Daniel Coventry: FYI I may kill Johnny Lester and the sox 9:12 PM
Me: Saves me the trouble. 9:13 PM

Daniel Coventry: Ps I think Lester has only 1 start left in the year guarantee cause of how lucky he got at the beginning of the year he’ll pitch 8 innings 1 earned run w 1:38 PM

Me: Yeah, Weiland sucks. But they’ll be OK. Just as long as Lester only has one start. 1:59 PM
Me: If I did it right, he has two left, both against the O’s. 1:59 PM
Daniel Coventry: God I would love that! 2:01 PM
Me: But feel free to kill him though, I’m fine with that. 4:15 PM
Daniel Coventry: Wow could the sox pull off the lose both games of a double header and have the rays win to cut their lead to only .5 games?! 4:16 PM
Me: It’d be pretty funny! 4:16 PM
Daniel Coventry: God I’m going to be so pissed if they manage to miss the playoffs 4:17 PM
Me: I mean, the rotation is basically Lester & AAAA dudes right now, so I wouldn’t be too surprised 4:17 PM

Daniel Coventry: Lester pitches friday at the Yankees and then potentially the last day of the season at baltimore but I doubt they use him for that unless they NEED him.2:43 PM
Daniel Coventry: ..fucking hate this! 2:43 PM
Me: Who do the Yankees have going? 3:05 PM
Daniel Coventry: Freddy Garcia 3:06 PM
Me: Fuuuuuuuuck. 3:07 PM

Me: I’m so fuckin’ terrified the Sox are going to need Lester to pitch on Wednesday. 10:51 AM
Daniel Coventry: God I pray they do. 11:57 AM
Me: I reaaaaaaaaaally want them to win both games today. And for the Rays to lose. That’ll fix everything. 11:58 AM

Me: …seriously, Sox? Lester’s definitely pitching Wednesday now. 10:16 PM
Daniel Coventry: Yup already thought that out! 10:19 PM
Me: Just needed a goddamn Rays loss and a Sox win. Fuckin’ opposite happened. I hope the O’s fucking shell him and the Rays make the playoffs so hard. 10:20 PM
Daniel Coventry: YUP! 10:21 PM

Me: CANCEL THE GAME. 9:35 PM
Daniel Coventry: It’s an official game! 9:35 PM
Daniel Coventry: How bad is it Coming down I’m driving 9:35 PM
Me: JUST KIDDING. KEEP PLAYING. 9:36 PM
Me: They saw lightning off in the distance and it’s comin’ down fairly hard. 9:36 PM
Daniel Coventry: How bad is it coming down? 9:36 PM
Daniel Coventry: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! 9:37 PM
Me: Fuck that. This doesn’t count. Fuck. 9:37 PM
Me: JUST ONE RUN FROM THE O’S. JUST ONE. FUCK. 9:37 PM
Me: Welp, I’m going to bed. LET’S GO NOT ACEVES, BARD AND PAPELBON. 10:22 PM

Vote

Posted in Uncategorized on September 18, 2011 by junker23

Hey, I’m Back! But Not Really

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on September 12, 2010 by junker23

Driving back after being in Syracuse for 18 hours, I decided to call the blog.


Unfortunately, it cut out waaaaaaaaaay too early – I tried setting up a podcast-type thing by adding Daniel Coventry to the call, but apparently WordPress’s audiopost feature doesn’t jive with that and cut me off. It was forty-five minutes of pretty solid banter, I’m actually pretty pissed it didn’t record. Better than Bill Simmons’s shit, I can tell you that. Might try again sometime though, it was fun.

More Shitty Sports Reporting

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on July 31, 2010 by junker23

Turn on MLB Network’s “Trade Deadline Special” and the first thing I hear the host, Greg Amsinger say is, “(Paul Maholm) has the ability to shut down teams, and we’ve seen him throw seven, eight innings of just one-run, eight strikeouts.”

In 148 career starts, know how many times Paul Maholm has done that? Three. Three times. Sept 17, 2005 – Eight innings, no runs, eight strikeouts. August 8, 2008 – Seven innings, no runs, ten strikeouts. June 11, 2009 – Seven innings, one run, eight strikeouts.

Describing a guy using something he does 2% of the time? Not really a good indication of this guy’s ability. I’ll be floored if Amsinger could point out any of those performances specifically, that was just pulled out of his ass. Shit like this really pisses me off. Scott Podsednik hits a home run in about 4% of the games he’s played in – forty in nine hundred and seventy-nine. Didn’t call him a slugger at the deadline, did we? There’s just no accountability. Gah.

Edit – He just now called Wandy Rodriguez “small.” He’s 5’11″ 195. Small for a professional athlete? Sure. But not small.

The Perfect Woman

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on July 29, 2010 by junker23

Is one that just turned 18 and can’t talk.

Now, I’m no George Lopez fan – more like the farthest thing from it. But it’s great that the first thing he mentions is that she just turned 18. No mention of not being able to talk in that li’l intro. He brings it up again about two minutes in and again like thirty seconds later. The rest of the interview from Lopez is a pretty standard puff-interview, reminded me a lot of Jay Leno. Who also sucks. It gets pretty funny right around the seven minute mark, but mostly because of inadequacies of the talk-box she was using.

But seriously though, I think she reached the peak of perfection in this video. (Aside from being in my trunk, of course.) Any chick that just turned 18 (while looking both 12 and 24), can’t talk and shits on Justin Bieber (four minutes in) is a winner in my book. She keeps this up and I’m gonna have to rename this blogthingy pretty soon.

Commuting Blows

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on July 28, 2010 by junker23

I always assumed it wasn’t any fun, but I’d never done it before. Now, after a month of driving through an hour and a half of traffic a day, I know it sucks. Aside from seeing a blind guy successfully cross a five-way intersection, very few noteworthy events have occurred. There’s also very little I can accomplish – listening to the same three songs over and over again on the radio, sweet! – and there’s not even anyone I can text at 7:30 in the morning. Nor do I text anyone when I leave in the afternoon, because that would be illegal and breaking the law is bad for you and Jesus. I tried to come up with things I could do, but this was incredibly not-helpful and the only other thing I could think of doing would be to listen to books on tape. But that’s like, super gay, so fuck that.

There’s one thing I can do on the ride in – beat the shit out of an annoying DJ at a game called “Beat (This DJ).” It’s a pop-culture trivia game, which plays to my strengths better than everything aside from maybe cardiovascular anatomy quiz time. (Oh, you expected a pedophilia joke? Sorry to have disappointed you with my smartness.) She’s got a lifetime record of like 250-20 or something, which seems pretty damn impressive. I’ve been listening for a good three weeks now, generally winning a solid 3 times a week. The other two days usually end in a draw and I think I’ve lost once. BUT – scorekeeping completely throws out ties, counting them as losses. So I’d be, like, 15-10. A 60% win percentage is a hell of a lot better than 7%.

Because I thought this goddamn blog couldn’t possibly have enough of my voice on it, I decided to use the lovely phone-a-post feature to record myself playing the game. (Sorry to those two people that listened to this without any background info. That must’ve been torture.) I didn’t really prepare what I was going to say on this call, aside from playing the game, so it’s a bit awkward. And retarded. And you can’t really understand a single thing I say. Who knew, screaming directly into your phone while speaker-phone is on leads to muddled audio. Whoops. Wearing headphones may help you make out what I’m saying.

So yeah, here’s a solid couple minutes of my daily commute. Ta da.


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