Archive for July, 2010

More Shitty Sports Reporting

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on July 31, 2010 by junker23

Turn on MLB Network’s “Trade Deadline Special” and the first thing I hear the host, Greg Amsinger say is, “(Paul Maholm) has the ability to shut down teams, and we’ve seen him throw seven, eight innings of just one-run, eight strikeouts.”

In 148 career starts, know how many times Paul Maholm has done that? Three. Three times. Sept 17, 2005 – Eight innings, no runs, eight strikeouts. August 8, 2008 – Seven innings, no runs, ten strikeouts. June 11, 2009 – Seven innings, one run, eight strikeouts.

Describing a guy using something he does 2% of the time? Not really a good indication of this guy’s ability. I’ll be floored if Amsinger could point out any of those performances specifically, that was just pulled out of his ass. Shit like this really pisses me off. Scott Podsednik hits a home run in about 4% of the games he’s played in – forty in nine hundred and seventy-nine. Didn’t call him a slugger at the deadline, did we? There’s just no accountability. Gah.

Edit – He just now called Wandy Rodriguez “small.” He’s 5’11” 195. Small for a professional athlete? Sure. But not small.

The Perfect Woman

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on July 29, 2010 by junker23

Is one that just turned 18 and can’t talk.

Now, I’m no George Lopez fan – more like the farthest thing from it. But it’s great that the first thing he mentions is that she just turned 18. No mention of not being able to talk in that li’l intro. He brings it up again about two minutes in and again like thirty seconds later. The rest of the interview from Lopez is a pretty standard puff-interview, reminded me a lot of Jay Leno. Who also sucks. It gets pretty funny right around the seven minute mark, but mostly because of inadequacies of the talk-box she was using.

But seriously though, I think she reached the peak of perfection in this video. (Aside from being in my trunk, of course.) Any chick that just turned 18 (while looking both 12 and 24), can’t talk and shits on Justin Bieber (four minutes in) is a winner in my book. She keeps this up and I’m gonna have to rename this blogthingy pretty soon.

Commuting Blows

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on July 28, 2010 by junker23

I always assumed it wasn’t any fun, but I’d never done it before. Now, after a month of driving through an hour and a half of traffic a day, I know it sucks. Aside from seeing a blind guy successfully cross a five-way intersection, very few noteworthy events have occurred. There’s also very little I can accomplish – listening to the same three songs over and over again on the radio, sweet! – and there’s not even anyone I can text at 7:30 in the morning. Nor do I text anyone when I leave in the afternoon, because that would be illegal and breaking the law is bad for you and Jesus. I tried to come up with things I could do, but this was incredibly not-helpful and the only other thing I could think of doing would be to listen to books on tape. But that’s like, super gay, so fuck that.

There’s one thing I can do on the ride in – beat the shit out of an annoying DJ at a game called “Beat (This DJ).” It’s a pop-culture trivia game, which plays to my strengths better than everything aside from maybe cardiovascular anatomy quiz time. (Oh, you expected a pedophilia joke? Sorry to have disappointed you with my smartness.) She’s got a lifetime record of like 250-20 or something, which seems pretty damn impressive. I’ve been listening for a good three weeks now, generally winning a solid 3 times a week. The other two days usually end in a draw and I think I’ve lost once. BUT – scorekeeping completely throws out ties, counting them as losses. So I’d be, like, 15-10. A 60% win percentage is a hell of a lot better than 7%.

Because I thought this goddamn blog couldn’t possibly have enough of my voice on it, I decided to use the lovely phone-a-post feature to record myself playing the game. (Sorry to those two people that listened to this without any background info. That must’ve been torture.) I didn’t really prepare what I was going to say on this call, aside from playing the game, so it’s a bit awkward. And retarded. And you can’t really understand a single thing I say. Who knew, screaming directly into your phone while speaker-phone is on leads to muddled audio. Whoops. Wearing headphones may help you make out what I’m saying.

So yeah, here’s a solid couple minutes of my daily commute. Ta da.

I Still Suck At The Guitar

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on July 27, 2010 by junker23

As this video now proves.

It does show I’m a great singer, so there’s that. I do have a confession though, this was done on take two. I know, I know, I expected to nail it on the first run too, but the camera fell over. It couldn’t handle how good I sounded, especially after so little practice. I only played through the song like forty five times. That’s only a few, right?

But seriously, fuckin’ oww. Goddamn pinky and ring finger had to hold down the same friggan notes the entire song, which ended up being kinda painful. Not something I’d anticipated. I should probably start peeing on my fingertips. You can probably hear me whimper if you listen closely enough, though that may be dangerous. Listening to it more than once can cause birth defects. Not in an unborn child mind you, but in the listener. That’s how bad it is.

Oh, and as you may have seen, I shot the video shirtless. This was to attract more of my target demographic – deaf homosexual males. Hopefully that, and the bukkake tag I gave it, will work.

And again, like I said before, I take requests. Preferably add, “DANCE MONKEY, DANCE!” at the end of whatever you suggest, it’ll make it feel more authentic.

Instant edit – Holy fuck, the video already has one view. This is not good. Here’s to hoping I get to 500,000 like this one. She’s not even playing the right forms of the chords. Bitch.

Oh, oh, oh and please rate it thumbs down. I’d like a full -100% rating, if possible.

Inception Revisited

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on July 24, 2010 by junker23

This will be full of spoilers, so if you haven’t seen the movie I’d recommend not reading this post.

Sceent it twice now, last Friday and yesterday. I don’t think I can adequately describe how I felt watching it last week – mostly straining to fully comprehend everything, trying to take in every little detail – while still missing many. It wasn’t exactly exhausting, but it took some attention. I thought I had a good grasp of it, until it ended and I had no fuckin’ idea what had just happened. It’s a two and a half hour movie that seemed both longer and shorter than that. Longer in terms of the sheer amount of shit happening; it easily had enough content to fill a ten-part miniseries on HBO, but short in that it didn’t seem like I had been there for several hours, it didn’t feel like it went on too long. For all I knew it was ten hours long – and that wouldn’t have been a bad thing, it was entertaining. Though, once it ended, I left feeling overwhelmed. I wasn’t blown away, in some sort of faux-Nirvana*, I was simply confused. Didn’t really feel anything. Which was unfortunate. I was sure it was great while I was watching it, why did it seem so empty now? People are raving about it – people dumber than me! – why don’t I feel the same way? Knew I had to see it again, knew that I’d missed something.

*Which has happened to me after a few movies, most clearly The Dark Knight, WALL-E, and to some extent, Kick-Ass. Yeah, I’m a faggot. Wanna fight about it?

Saw it again on a whim last night. This time I watched it differently – was Michael Caine’s character wearing the same clothes in both of his appearances? What about Cobb’s kids? Nope, both of ’em changed outfits. What was the time scale of different dream layers? (From what I recorded: a week in the first level is six months in the second and ten years in the third. Also, ten seconds in the first layer is three minutes in the second and twenty minutes in the third. Doing some quick head-calculations, it doesn’t appear the two are consistent with one another. But that’s just with straight multiplication, some sort of exponential function might fit.) What are random people acting like in the “real world?” Until the JGL gravity-defying fight scenes*, I was convinced the movie was absolutely brilliant, just as many others have said. Yay, I get it! But then I started noticing things that really didn’t really make sense. There are plenty of little nit-picky things in the movie, different things you have to suspend disbelief for, but those are OK, that’s to be expected in a movie like this. But these two issues, both regarding events near the very end of the film, seem too big to ignore. Both may have simple explanations, both may not. I just can’t think hard enough to figure ’em out.

*Of which I really, really want to see both some uncut footage, along with shots of the entire setup as it was being filmed. Description of them here.

On to the questions:

Why did Mal (specifically, Cobb’s projection of her) end up in limbo? Cobb killed that projection of her after she shot Fischer, but I don’t know why that would send her to limbo. Do only dreamers and projections of actual people go to limbo when they’re killed in those deeply-sedate dreams? There weren’t dozens of imaginary henchmen from Fischer’s subconscious waiting for anyone once they got there. I could understand her being there once Cobb showed up, but she was very clearly there first – she had time to tie up Fischer and stash him on their porch. Is she always there because Cobb is stashing her there, like how she’s stashed in various other places they’ve been together? Guess that would be the most likely explanation, but I didn’t think Cobb ever visited limbo with that dream elevator of his.

Why was Saito, or Cobb for that matter, confident they succeeded when they both woke up on the plane? I’m fairly sure they were both already in limbo before the vault to the bizarro-bedroom was opened; Eames was the only one that witnessed Fischer seemingly buying in to their implanted idea. I haven’t been able to think of a good explanation for why they assumed it worked, aside from the fact that they woke up and everybody was looking at Cobb with shit-eating grins. It’s not like their mission was going perfectly before they both ended up in limbo, it was falling apart. The final part of their job, which I’d assume was the most difficult and unlikely aspect, was to occur inside that room. Why would they just assume it was successful? The only reason Saito toured the dream was to ensure they succeeded – how could he wake up and immediately make that freeing phone call without actually knowing? Maybe they set up Fischer so well in the preceding levels that they were sure it was going to work once he saw that projection of his father, but that seems like a bit of wishful thinking.

Both those things seem explainable, but not realistically. Hopefully, I can find the answers somewhere. I haven’t really looked. Most likely they’re both issues only because I’m an idiot, but I can’t tell yet.

Now, about the ending. There have been plenty of believable explanations as to why Cobb’s reality was still the dreamworld. (Even though I just read the creator of that specific explanation saying he no longer believes it. Phooey.) He’s awake. He’s really back with his children. His wife is dead, killed due to his previous experience with inception. Too many things don’t make sense if this is simply all in Cobb’s mind – why do the supporting characters do things when Cobb isn’t there? Sure, a few things make it seem like he’s dreaming – the chase scene in Mombasa, most prominently. Oh, so random thugs just start chasing him, he squeezes through a dream-like obstacle and Saito shows up just in time to save the day? A bit outlandish, but not indicative that he’s dreaming. Everyone should’ve been after him, not just some white guys in suits. The corridor was most likely meant to invoke dreams, not prove he’s in one. And Saito shows up because he’s omniscient. I did say a little suspension of disbelief was needed with the film.

So, all in all, it’s a great movie. Not one of my own all-time favorites (reserved for those that truly get an emotional response out of me – I can think of maybe five right now), but still an excellent film. If you don’t buy into it the first time you see it, watch it again. Maybe read some analysis of it before you go back. You’ll pick up on much more of what’s going on and, in my opinion, appreciate it that much more.

____________________________________________

Oh, and some random things. I thought Ellen Page’s character, Ariadne, had a name just as dumb-sounding and retarded as the Twilight baby’s when I first saw the movie. But, because I assumed Christopher Nolan isn’t an idiot like Stephenie Meyer, I looked it up. And what’dya know, the original Ariadne was also known as the “Mistress of the Labyrinth.” We’re in the majors with this shit, people.

And another random thing – during the Mr. Charles scene, why was the chick Eames impersonated so ugly? She seemed real out of proportion and had an almost clay like, fish face. Not exactly the bombshell I’d expected.

(Added at 10:15 on 07/25/10 – I’m pretty sure the “supporting actor” in Christopher Nolan’s next film is going to be David Krumholtz. Someone tell me why and I’ll mail them a dollar.)

FUCK YEAH BIRTHDAYS

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on July 22, 2010 by junker23

YEEEEEEEEEEEHAW 18TH BIRTHDAYS ARE THE BEST OUT OF ALL THE BIRTHDAYS.

‘SPECIALLY THIS ONE’S. CLICK ON THE PICTURES FOR A GALLERY OF AWESOMENESS.

It’s going to be a great day.

More Movie Hype! Middle Men

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on July 21, 2010 by junker23

It’s called Middle Men and it’s about internet porn. It’s about time I spent a bit of my time learning about my favorite subject instead of just watching it for 3 hours a day.

Only other movie I’ve seen about porn that wasn’t porn – Boogie Nights – was absolutely amazing, so I’ve got high hopes for this one. If Marky Mark and his magnum dong show up I might just die.