LeBron’s A Prick: The 2010 NBA Offseason

First thing’s first – I’m not a big basketball fan. As a poorly coordinated white kid of average height with limited jumping ability, it makes sense. The completely subjective method for tracking both stats and fouls doesn’t really aid my appreciation for the game very much, either. Because of all of this, I don’t pay too much attention to the NBA. Sure, I’ll watch my hometown team in the playoffs, but won’t really keep up with anything during the regular season. This offseason? Absolutely transfixed. Checking out NBA rumor websites dozens of times a day. Why? I’m enamored with players changing teams and the effects it’ll have on upcoming seasons. It’s like Franchise mode of NBA 2K11 come to life. I don’t make to get any decisions, but I feel like I easily could with my sterling fantasy basketball playing resume. And I’m not alone. Visitors to the ESPN’s NBA page this week have nearly tripled from where they were during the season. Hell, this motherfucker has penned a solid million words on how he feels he should rightfully be a GM somewhere. Knows a bit more about basketball than me, but he’s a prick so it balances out. It’s stunning, but people seem to like knowing where people will play instead of actually watching them play there.

This circus reaches its apex tonight, when LeBron James announces – in a goddamn hour-long television special – where he’ll play for the next three years. This article says pretty much exactly what I feel about tonight’s little program. There’s no one involved with it that isn’t a giant asshole, especially if he decides to leave Cleveland.

If he leaves Cleveland tomorrow night, he’ll have needlessly strung along an entire fanbase and given them the middle finger by making their breakup spectacularly public.

If he knew he was going to leave a downplayed announcement would’ve at least lessened the dickishness. A quick little Twitter update, a la Kevin Durant would’ve worked. But nope. The world’s biggest dog and pony show, just to see where he’ll go. What the hell are they going to talk about for an hour? Is he going to immediately announce that he’s leaving Cleveland without specifying to where and then have an elongated retrospective of his days as a Cavalier? Will Stu Scott give him a forty-five minute handjob before he reveals his destination? I honestly don’t know, though that last one would be pretty entertaining. So douchey.

But what of the teams he can sign with? If he stays in Cleveland, I think he’ll avoid most potential backlash. Probably has the best shot of winning a championship immediately if he stays. Won’t be the best shot over the long term, but for this upcoming season it would be. For my own personal interests, I sure hope he leaves. This would all seem so pointless if he stays.

The Heat, to “join forces”* with Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh? Probably the most interesting place he can end up, as well as the most likely according to Chris Brussard. Seems like it’d be the best place for him to go in terms of winning – ooh, two other superstars, yay! – except the rest of the team would be Mario Chalmers and eight minimum salary guys. Unless some decent players feel like taking really deep pay cuts to play with them, it’ll be three great players with absolute shit around them. One of them gets into foul trouble? Team’s probably in trouble. I think they’d get dominated in the playoffs. Greatest potential for epic schadenfreude.

The Bulls? Too many reasons not to go there now. Kind of a prude as an owner, they signed Carlos “Injured Report” Boozer instead of a truly elite guy, they’ll have problems signing Rose and Noah soon and the Jordan thing is kinda weird.

The Knicks? Intriguing to play in NYC, but the most inept ownership in the NBA. Playing under D’Antoni could potentially turn him into Oscar Robertson, but they’ve got big holes at point guard and center. The ability to add another guy next season could be enticing, but that’s too uncertain. Seem like a longshot.

The Clippers? Probably the best roster right now. But their owner is an epic shitbag and well, they’re the Clippers. Always have been a second-rate franchise, probably always will be.

The Nets? This is where I’d want to see him go. He’d eventually get to play in NYC. They have a ridiculously awesome new owner that seems serious about winning and creating a franchise with world-wide appeal. Oh, and BROOK YO-PEZ. Can’t forget about him. Probably the only real “shocking” destination that has any shot of landing him.

So what’ll happen tonight? Fuck if I know. Media people all over the country have been wildly guessing about this shit for months, I ain’t about to join them now. The only guarantee is that people will finally realize that he’s kind of a prick. And for that, I’m happy.

*I’ve read at least three articles that used that exact phrasing regarding James signing with the Heat. Seriously. It sounds like a comic book.


4 Responses to “LeBron’s A Prick: The 2010 NBA Offseason”

  1. daniel coventry Says:

    your defenatley wrong by saying he has the best chance at winning right now with the cavs and the roster that they have you have to give the nod to chicago with just rose noah deng and gibson and then any added bonus you get out of boozer who plays well when heathy but all that is moot cause he winded up with the heat. but i dont know why cleveland is so mad at lebron for leaving, i mean deltone is banging his mom i know i wouldnt want to be with someone, other than my father, who is banging my mom so come on cleveland cut lebron some slack dont burn lebron jerseys burn deltones jersey…but wait do they even make those?!

  2. smart guy Says:

    wow daniel great points i find your contributions to be more interesting and insightful than those of junker23 if you wanted you could ruin junkers authoring career in the blink of an eye. you didn’t even let your horrible retardation stand in the way of typing out that message, well done.

  3. Eh, I guess Chicago would’ve been the best team to win this year. He’d already won a ton in Cleveland though, so it seemed at least a bit more guaranteed to me. Maybe Rose wouldn’t have played well with LeBron, YOU DON’T KNOW!

  4. daniel coventry Says:

    i do know i happen to be best friends with both and know they would have played well together…unfortunately bosh sucks a better dick which became the deciding factor.

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