I Suck At The Guitar

But I used to be good. I started playing about ten years ago (decent story there) and it took a good two to three years to not be absolutely horrible. I learned early that tons of distortion hid mistakes, so I made sure to crank that “Grunge” knob all the way to eleven. Throughout high school I was OK, I could play almost whatever was thrown at me. Mostly stuck to the entire Metallica catalog and crappy emo-metal, though. Love that shit. I’m also a giant pussy, so I never really played in a band or anything. Sensing that hey, maybe I could in college, I bought a flippin’ sweet guitar and a half-stack amp. Over my collegiate career I think I played a total of twenty times. And the amp died. Excellent investment.

The last four weeks, I’ve basically worked, blogged and gone to the gym. Shit gets boring. So, sensing I needed a hobby, I thought I’d dust off the guitar. But I left it up at school. And the two I have at home are either missing vital pieces that aren’t sold individually or completely gutted. All I have left is an acoustic, also missing some pieces and equipped with seven-year old strings. Boredom won out, so I made a trip to the local music shop to fix it up. The people at the store were surprisingly friendly (seriously, best service ever) and I was sent off with a guitar that I had to string up. Shit, knew I shoulda asked them to do it for me. But I’d strung up guitars before, haphazardly. Quick video-sesh and I was ready to go. Destroyed the high-E string pretty good, but aside from that snafu it ended up playable.

Cut off excess string, tuned it up. Loaded up my favorite tab site and…couldn’t find a pick. Shit shit shit. Searched for five minutes, gave up. I’d played with my index fingernail all throughout guitar class in high school, might as well go back to it. Once I started playing, I realized I literally only knew about five songs that don’t sound like absolute dick on an acoustic guitar. I played “Everlong” and “Best of You” about thirty times. I even tried singing while playing! Which went horribly. It’s gonna take some practice if I want to get serious about fronting a Foo Fighters cover band. (Which I should’ve done already. I look more like Dave Grohl than he does.)

Got bored with songs I already knew how to play, decided to find new ones that might sound good on an acoustic guitar. And failed at learning nearly all of them. I don’t know what it was, but even the simplest of songs was a challenge. (Seriously, I couldn’t figure out “Party in the USA”? Gahh.) Maybe I’ve reached the upper limit of guitar songs I can learn. Kinda depressing. I usually got a hell of a lot better at songs magically over night, so maybe when I pick it back up today I won’t sound like the guitar’s broken. Kinda hope so.

Like always, if there any suggestions for songs I should learn to play, post ’em in the comments. Maybe, if I learn it well enough, I’ll post one of those retarded YouTube videos that people make of them playing along with the song. Those always looked like fun, like how fartin’ in a bathtub and laughin’ your ass off is fun.


9 Responses to “I Suck At The Guitar”

  1. Taylor Swift: “Teardrops on my Guitar.”

    Please post a youtube video. Fun will be had by all.

  2. daniel coventry Says:

    i want boats n’ hoes or chapped and screwed.

  3. daniel coventry Says:


    • The Chopped and Skrewed one is really unlikely. I can’t do a gay acoustic version of that song, there’s a ton of really shitty ones that really piss me off on YouTube.

  4. […] again, like I said before, I take requests. Preferably add, “DANCE MONKEY, DANCE!” at the end of whatever you […]

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